Category: random idiocy
-
mom voice
I was doing something stupid until I was stopped by THE MOM VOICE Read.
-
improbable
We were watching the first episode of “The Last of Us” when my mom texted me. She was housebound because she’d been hit by the same deep freeze that was keeping all us inside, but for her it was worse: she lives in Arkansas where the road maintenance crews don’t go out to salt or Read.
-
shreddable
We have a cross-cut paper shredder and nearly everything we get in the mail goes straight from the mailbox to the shredder because it’s practically all junk mail. I don’t even open it unless I absolutely have to. Case in point: The junk mail I get from Triple A. Those guys know how to make Read.
-
build a fire
I suffered an especially painful case of dry-eye last night and when I told My Darling B about it, she said, “Maybe you need a humidifier in the bedroom.” What I heard her say was, “Maybe you need to make a fire in the bedroom.” When she says something that doesn’t make any sense at Read.
-
flat
I just saw a car drive past our house on a flat tire. The front right tire was flat flat flat. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that. I can’t imagine why anyone would do that. I wouldn’t do that unless I was being pursued by ravenous beasts. Even in this weather (the Read.
-
lyric
aw, shit. It’s “come on, eileen tah loo rye yay,” not “come on, eileen tah roo lah ray.” I’ve been singing it wrong all these years. So embarrassing. Read.
-
egg noodles
My Darling B sent me out to get egg noodles. I don’t know what egg noodles are. “They’re wide and flat and curly,” she explained. “They’re flat and curly?” “Yes. They’re flat. But they’re curly.” I couldn’t even imagine what that looked like. “How wide are they? An inch wide? Three-quarters of an inch?” “They’re Read.
-
distribution
I’m grateful that legal holidays are mostly on Mondays and Fridays to give us long weekends. Now can we work on the way they’re distributed across the calendar? We’ve got a holiday at the end of September, another at the end of December, one at the beginning of January and another two weeks later in Read.
-
mulligan
“Would you live your life over again if you could?” I get that I’m supposed to say “yes” as a way of expressing the feeling that I have no regrets, but this is a dumb question no matter how you slice it. If I could live my life over but I wouldn’t know that I Read.
-
loaf
I had to stop at Kwik-Trip this morning to gas up the car. The sign out front said they were selling a loaf of bread for seventy-nine cents, which I’m pretty sure is about what my mom paid for bread back in the late 70s. The cost of baking bread hasn’t gone down in fifty Read.
This Is Drivel 