“Poop” is the common term we all know, I think, for number two. “Dookie” also seems to be well-known but less commonly used, at least in my experience, which is too bad because I like the sound of “dookie” way more than “poop.” I’ve learned lots of other terms but the one I’ve never heard anybody else use ever is “crumpie,” the word I used when I was just a wee lad.

For many years I assumed it was a German word, or possibly from one of the Slavic languages, because my parents frequently peppered their conversation with foreign words and sometimes whole phrases they picked up from their parents. The longer I lived, though, the less I thought that was the case because in the course of being force-fed Russian while I was in the military I also picked up a smattering of slang and a few obscenities from other Slavic languages and I never heard them use a term that sounded remotely like “crumpie.” And although I never seriously studied German I have searched every German dictionary I ever got my hands on and never found a word for poop that looked or sounded like “crumpie.”

So one day (back when my dad was still alive, so this would have been more than twenty years ago) I asked my parents where “crumpie” came from — turns out it was me! It’s a word I just made up out of thin air, and they went along with it. And suddenly the reason I never heard anyone else ever use that word became clear.