With a thoughtful chin stroke, I proclaim the following:

All public toilet stalls shall from this day forward be installed with big, red fire bells that shall clang and clang and clang until the users thereof shall flush their dookie, because yuck.

War with Syria. What could go wrong? I mean, seriously, what could possibly go wrong? We send in the carrier group, we release the robot drones, then we rent video of the missile strikes on pay-per-view. What red-blooded American wouldn’t pay to watch that? Socialist ones, that’s who. I say, stop dilly-dallying around and let’s get this party started. I can’t wait to see my children in uniform, parachuting into yet another country that looks like a cat box to save the world for democracy.

State representative Paul Tittl is the most brilliant man alive. Tittl wants to raise the speed limit on Wisconsin’s highways from 65 mph to 70 mph so people can get home faster to spend more time with their families. That would definitely work for someone who was commuting from Milwaukee to Superior, giving them almost a whole 45 minutes to play with the kiddies, while commuters between Milwaukee and Madison will get an unbelievable 9 minutes more. Thanks for pointing that out, representative Tittl! I didn’t pay attention during math class, either!

If I had an articulated glove of stainless steel armor, all I would do is think deep thoughts like these all day, every day. Please send your donations to: Oh God Dave Please Metalically Stroke Your Chin, c/o Harvey the Wonder Hamster, PO Box 07734, Monona WI 53716