Wednesday, July 4th, 2012

When I tuned in to my Twitter feed this morning, I naturally expected to see mostly “Happy Independence Day” or something similar, because that’s what’s happening in my life, and what else is there in the universe but me, right?

Wait, does everyone understand the concept of “tuning in?” I don’t want to lose anybody here. Let’s get all the younguns to move up to the front row, okay? “Tuning in,” boys and girls, means turning the “dial” on a “radio.” You might have seen old black-and-white photos of people gathered around a “radio” with stern looks on their faces and wondered what they were doing. They were listening to someone in a studio read the news. It’s like a podcast, except radio is transmitted through the air, sort of like wifi but there was no internet! Crazy, right? And to listen to a different announcement, you had to turn a knob on the radio with your mind control, and they called that “tuning,” just like the evil aliens in the movie Dark City. Here endeth the lesson. Back to my Twitter feed, now.

Instead of a lot of babble about Happy Fourth of July, all the people I follow on Twitter were talking about the Higgs boson. Apparently the science nerds who run the Large Hadron Collider found it. Remember the Large Hadron Collider, the atom smasher that the socialist commie Europeans built to create a black hole powerful enough to swallow the world? Holy shit, I’m speaking almost entirely in anachronisms today. “Atom smasher” is what we used to call particle accelerators way back when we dressed exclusively in black and white clothes and listened to radio, because that’s when we learned that atoms aren’t the smallest bits of matter. Of course, back then we very quaintly thought protons, electrons and neutrons were the smallest bits of matter. What a gaggle of noobs we were.

Now there are quarks and gluons and muons and bosons, and this Higgs boson of which everyone speaks is apparently the particle that makes all the other particles massive. If I understand that right, without the Higgs boson there would be no gravity, so nothing would stick together. This is all very important, I’m sure, but what really got everyone talking was the fact that, when the science nerds made their announcement, they used Comic Sans in their PowerPoint presentation. If you want to turn any conference into a kicked hornet’s nest, use Comic Sans.

Maybe now they’ll go back to shooting high-energy beams at Italy and wondering what would happen if you stuck your hand in the beam.

comic | 7:30 am CST
Category: daily drivel, entertainment, play, radio
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