I had a physical on Friday, mostly because my last physical was just before I retired from the Air Force seven years ago. Kids, don’t try this at home. You should probably see a doctor a little more regularly than your Unka Dave does.

It was the whole kit and kaboodle, starting with an exhaustive medical history, then moving on to the old standard “stick your tongue out and say ahhhh” right up to, and including, the part where I changed into a medical smock for an intimate groping.

Why do you suppose they still make medical smocks that don’t close with velcro? I don’t know how long I spent grabbing for those dangling fabric ties and finding nothing but air. When I finally did manage to snag them, it took me a couple more minutes to match them up and then I had to figure out how to tie a bow behind my back. I don’t get a lot of opportunities to practice that, so it took me a good while. And that was just the middle one. Everything else has velcro on it, why don’t these? I would’ve been done in seconds.

I had to sit on the table to start the examination, so I tucked the gown in around my butt to keep it as warm as it’s possible to keep your but warm in a hospital gown, which is not very much. It did less than any good at all, because just a few minutes later the P.A. wanted me to lie back and hike up my gown in order to palpate my liver and spleen, so she threw a sheet over my waist to cover my naughty bits. At this point it occurred to me that I could have saved us both a lot of time if I’d wrapped the sheet around my waist after taking off my shirt and pants. It’s not that I’m not modest; I am, but during a medical exam, what’s the point? Sooner or later you’ll be asked to turn your head and cough, and there isn’t a man on earth who has any modestly left at that stage of the game.

I got a clean bill of health for that part of the exam, but I still have to go in for … the colonoscopy! Duh-duh-dunnnnnn! I’m told I’ll be sedated for that, thank goodness, so no detailed description will follow (thank goodness again).