The other day in after-dinner conversation this question came up: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? It’s apparently a huge topic of debate on the internet, but why? Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. True, the movie begins with the start of an office Christmas party, but from there it turns into a blowing stuff up movie, a category any guy will acknowledge. There’s no blowing stuff up in a Christmas movie.

A Christmas movie is something like It’s a Wonderful Life, or Miracle on 34th Street, or, if you’re not into black and white, Elf. The key to a Christmas movie is that at some point, one of the characters will learn about “the meaning of Christmas” in a way that comes dangerously close to being cloyingly sentimental. Actually, most of the time it goes right over the top and dives into the deep end of sentimentality. But either way, the meaning of Christmas will be in there.

Die Hard does not strive for the meaning of Christmas. True, it’s set during Christmas, but having the word “Christmas” somewhere in the script does not make it a Christmas movie, just as having the word “Christmas” in a pop song doesn’t make it a Christmas song. Take, for example, the annoyingly overplayed John Lennon song “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)”, a song so dreadfully depressing that it makes me want to stab myself in the heart with a steak knife every single time I hear it. For some reason, radio stations all over the country think this is a Christmas song. It’s got the word “Christmas” right there in the title, doesn’t it? But it’s not. It’s an anti-war song. Actually, it’s a song to commit suicide by, but it is definitely not a Christmas song, any more than this is:

Christmas, Christmas,
Christmas, Christmas,
Sing the Christmas Song!
Christmas, Christmas,
Christmas, Christmas,
Christmas All Day Long!
(repeat)

That’d make you want to kill yourself, too, and a song that makes you want to snuff yourself is, by definition, not a Christmas song, no matter how many times the word “Christmas” is used.

Nat King Cole’s The Christmas Song is a Christmas song. I know that seems like a no-brainer on the face of it, but these things can be tricky. By the way, only the Nat King Cole version is the acceptable version, just as the Jack Kirby Silver Surfer is the one true Silver Surfer. There simply is no room for argument.

Bing Crosby’s White Christmas is a Christmas song, as is It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams (and – here again – only as sung by Bing Crosby and Andy Williams respectively).

The Little Drummer Boy is technically a Christmas song, but only versions that are less than two minutes long. Any longer than that, and it becomes a song to strangle kittens by. “STOP WITH THE RUMPA-PUM-PUM ALREADY! JUST STOP! AGGHHH!”