When I read a headline like “U.S. Warns Of Terrorist Bombs Implanted In Humans,” I have to stop whatever I’m doing and read the story. Because, you know, bombs. In people. Wow.

Short version of the story:

Bombs-in-the body is not a brand new idea, but recent intelligence indicates a fresh interest in using this method, as people-scanning machines in airports aren’t able to detect explosives hidden inside humans. Still, there is no current information that points to a specific plot involving surgically implanted explosives, a U.S. security official said.

Not brand new? Are U.S. security officials getting so jaded by this national security stuff that they can’t come up with shiny new things to scare us with? What the hell are we paying them the big bucks for?

I’m really confused about the point of this story. Or warning. Whatever it is. There are terrorists out there; they’re thinking about hollowing out people and filling the emptiness with explosives; the billion-dollar bomb detectors installed at airports across the country can’t detect these bombs; thank you, and have a nice flight.

Hello, and welcome to O’Hare Airport. Have your bags ever left your possession? Has anybody you don’t know asked you to carry anything onto the flight today? Have you been to a doctor lately that may have implanted explosives inside you?

Is that a bomb in your abdomen or are you just excited about flying American Airlines?