David Sedaris’s laundry list of the worst ways to die, from When You Are Engulfed In Flames:

My list of don’ts covered three pages and included such reminders as: never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating. This last one is a nationwide epidemic, and it’s surprising the number of men who do it while dressed in their wife’s clothing, most often while she is out of town. To anyone with similar inclinations, a word of warning: after you’re discovered, the police with take snapshots of your dead, costumed body, which will then be slid into photo albums and pored over by people like me, who hole themselves up in the records room, moaning, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God,” not sure if they’re referring to your plum-colored face or to the squash blossom necklace you’ve chosen to go with that blouse.

Good to know.

2 thoughts on “Engulfed

  1. Looks like you’ve reached the section “Books About Hideous Death” on your life’s list of books to read. You might just consider not reading anymore or going back to fiction.
    On the other hand, if you insist on moving forward, look into “Wisconsin Death Trip.” It’s a fun, light-hearted, feel-good hit of the summer.


    1. “Books About Hideous Death” would almost certainly make the New York Times bestseller list in the first week after it was released. We should start working on this right now.


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