Tuesday, October 5th, 2010

image of death riding a chicken

How to weather the killer death flu that’s kicking everybody’s ass right now and will inevitably lay you low if you have kids, a day job or otherwise mix with the public:

1: Go straight to your neighborhood Walgreen’s and buy one box of multi-sympton Wal-fed and one box of decongestant Wal-fed.

The upside of the multi-symptom stuff is that it’s equipped with a hefty jolt of painkillers that’ll help you get to sleep at night. The downside is you’re not supposed to take more than three doses per day, so use them only when your head feels like there’s an elephant sitting on it. And your head will feel like that.

The decongestants have no downside and two upsides: you only have to pop one pill, and you can take one every four hours and stay medicated around the clock. Back them up with aspirin and your head will feel as if there’s only a large bear sitting on it.

Disclaimer: I do not own stock in Walgreen’s, I recommend you go there only because around here there’s one on every corner and they have cheap drugs.

2: Find a flat, comfortable spot, lay down and stay there for at least three days, getting up only to keep from soiling yourself. But sleep. Sleep. Sleep.

3: Don’t skip your meds! Not even if you think you’re starting to feel better and you might be tired enough to sleep without them. Unless more than forty-eight hours have passed, you will regret skipping the decongestants when you wake up with Fluffy the circus elephant parked on your face.

4: Drink lots of water. If you don’t, the dreams about drinking ice-cold rivers of water will be worse than when you’re hungover.

5: Call me when it’s over to tell me if any of this worked for you.

Killing the Killer Flu | 7:45 pm CDT
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