A conversation I’d like to have with my doctor:

“What can you do to get rid of tinnitus?”

“Nothing, unfortunately.”

“There must be something you can do.”

“Well, I can saw your head off.”

“And that would get rid of the ringing in my ears?”

“Well, yes. Technically.”

“And I would be able to hear normally again?”

“Not really, no.”

“Hmmm. Okay, I’d still like to try it. Do I need a referral?”

“Nah. Head-sawn-off is an outpatient procedure. I can do it right here.”

“Sounds messy though.”

“I usually spread some newspapers on the floor.”

“Is it painful at all?”

“You’ll feel a little pressure at first.”

“I’ve heard that before. Can I get a local anesthetic?”

“Sure, I can apply an ointment to numb it.”

“Okay, let’s do it.”

“Just rest your head on the table, right there.”

“It’ll be so nice not to hear that constant ringing anymore.”

“That’s what they all say.”