The cats, or one of the cats, are/is peeing on the floor. Not spraying. Peeing. Puddles of pee. Splashy pools of urine. On purpose.

The internet, that repository of all human knowledge, is just about useless when it comes to figuring out how to make them stop doing this. They pee on the floor because they’re stressed, or because they don’t care. They pee outside the box because there’s too much litter in it, or because there’s too little. They pee everywhere because you’re not paying enough attention to them, or because you’re disciplining them.

I call bullshit. They pee on the floor because you can’t tell a cat not to. Either they’ll pee in the box or they won’t. The desires of pink, clawless humans don’t enter into their thinking.

The ways that the various internet pet experts suggest addressing the problem are basic common sense: clean up the mess so they won’t smell the pee and want to pee there again; clean the box often; get another box. The one thing they don’t suggest is the first thing that I want to do: snap their little necks. That’s just not done. At least, nobody on the internet is admitting it is.

Somewhere between blatantly obvious suggestions and murderous rage there’s a solution that I’ve got to find, and soon. Every morning for a week now I’ve had to mop cat pee up off the floor. You ever had cat pee all over your hands? It’s not a great way to start the day.