Sticky icky gummy boogers is what I got. After the long, cold winter of ice and snow we just came out of, this just doesn’t seem fair.

(I am so gratified to find out that my tablet’s autocorrect knows how to spell “boogers.” Faith in technology restored.)

Last night we both laid awake for seven or maybe eight hours trying fruitlessly to breathe through our noses. It was a profoundly frustrating experience. I’ve passed inconclusive evenings with women whom I considered to be as desirable as my imagination could conceive that weren’t as soul-crushing as last night seemed to be.

The upside, and I know you’re just floored to hear there’s an upside, is just this: when I crawl into bed tonight I’ll have until the count of three to lay my head just the way I want it before I pass into Slumberland, because that’s where it’s gonna stay until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning at five.