I’m not a New Year’s resolution-making kind of guy. I’ve made New Year’s resolutions before but if I ever kept one, I don’t remember it now and I think I’d remember that, so it’s safe to say I’ve never managed to keep one. From there it’s not a leap to figure out that I’ll probably never keep any future New Year’s resolutions that I make, so I stopped making them. It’s not self-defeating, it’s self-actualizing.

Starting this year, however, I’d like to propose that the random cosmic forces of universe bestow upon me a superpower. When comic book characters discover they have a superpower, they inevitably use it to improve the lives of the people around them, after knocking over a few buildings. Resolutions are also used to improve people. They’re practically the same thing! And I don’t have to work at keeping a superpower; it’s there, and I do it. If I don’t do it, it’s because it’s not there. Not my bad.

This year, I’d like to propose that the universe grant me the superpower of transforming politicians into something useful, like bakers or farmers. This is about the most awesome superpower I can think of. I wouldn’t even complain about having to wear colorful tights if I could, with a wave of my hands, turn a politician into something as beneficial to society as a large-animal veterinarian or a sewer worker. Imagine a world without politicians! It would take one hell of a lot of hand-waving, but I’m up for it. How about it, infinite universe?