I needed a picnic cooler with a drain hole. That was my biggest requirement. And I found several different models that had drain holes, with and without wheels, but they were all big enough to hold a dozen clowns. I didn’t need one that big. I needed a normal-sized picnic cooler, the kind that holds maybe two six-packs and a big bag of ice.

That size picnic cooler doesn’t come with a drain hole any more, sad to say. I couldn’t find one at Menard’s or at Bain’s Farm And Fleet. They didn’t have any at Shopko. I checked both of the Ace Hardware stores on our side of town, but no joy. All the coolers I found were big enough to live in, or they were normal-sized but didn’t have drain holes.

I had a hot tip that such a cooler was on sale at Wal-Mart, but I was trying to hold off going there until I had exhausted all other possibilities. Well, last night I was exhausted. I was ready to end the chase. Hanging my pride up on a peg in the garage, I climbed into the O-Mobile and drove just down the road a piece to our friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart.

I’d forgotten how dauntingly huge Wal-Mart is. I used to think that Menard’s was too big, but Wal-Mart could swallow up a Menard’s without getting so much as a belly bump. Our town’s Wal-Mart, in fact, has several Wal-Mart stores inside it. I wandered from the clothing store into the grocery store, for instance, before I realized what was happening to me.

How does anybody even know where to start looking for things in there? The place is as big as Nebraska, and about as well-signed. I walked almost all the way around the store before I happened to blunder into the section where they sold camping and outdoor sports stuff. Didn’t find any picnic coolers there, though. I did finally find a Wal-Mart employee there who said I should be able to find a picnic cooler if I went (pointing) way over there! Like a sucker, I went. I’ll bet he’s still in the break room telling the story about how he suckered the noob.

That sounds kinda dirty, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I finally found the picnic cooler I was looking for, but only by accident. I’d been wandering around Wal-Mart for almost twenty minutes without finding what I was looking for and decided, Screw this, I’m outta here, so I headed for the door. Halfway there, in I Don’t Know What Department, I blundered into a shelf loaded up with cast-off remnants from other departments, on sale for half price, and there, in the middle of the shelf, was just one normal-sized picnic cooler with a drain. Paydirt!

As soon as I got it home, I unscrewed the drain from it. The hole left behind, it turned out, was exactly the right size for a continuously-threaded nipple. Now that sounds dirty. But it isn’t. More on that later.