Over lunch today, I warned My Darling B that if I won $650 million in the Powerball lottery, I would probably blow it all fixing up the Orpheum theater so I could watch my favorite films. She said she’s on board with it, as long as she gets to mix classic cocktails at the bar. That’s her favorite fantasy.

Oh, and we would have to upgrade the bathrooms. “That’ll have to be the first priority,“ she declared. “Only three stalls in the ladies’ room? You have got to be kidding me!”

Coincidentally, when I got to thinking about the upgrades a really good movie theater ought to have, like wireless headphones at all the seats, one of the first things I thought of was completely gutting the bathroom and expanding into whatever room is available. In the men’s room, there’s almost always a line for the three urinals, I don’t even know how to begin to describe all the things that are wrong with the shitters, and the sinks have spigots so ridiculously short that washing your hands is more trouble than being hospitalized for an e.coli infection. I do everything I can to avoid going in there.

Why hasn’t a movie theater done the wireless headset thing yet? That seems like a no-brainer to me. Never again would I have to clench my teeth when the sound was turned up WAY TOO LOUD, or furrow my brow when I missed whispered dialog. Okay, some people will try to walk out with the head sets, but I’m sure there’s a way around that. Wireless head sets that work on a proprietary frequency. Or don’t work at all unless they’re part of the theater’s network. Or explode if they’re taken out of the theater. See, not only has there got to be a way, it could be fun!