It stands to reason that the person who answers the phone at a retail outlet or public service office has enormous influence over how the phone system is set up. After all, he’s the poor schlub who has to use it all day, right? It only makes sense that management would bend over backwards to keep him happy. So, in the interests of improving phone service at these and other places, please follow these simple, helpful rules of thumb when calling:

When your phone call is answered it’s almost always one of those menu option robots. They take so long, don’t they? And your time is valuable! Only a real live human being can sort out your problems, and the sooner you get one on the phone, the better. Here’s the worst-kept secret of the industry: The quickest way to get hold of a person is to keep punching zero. Bingo! You’re in the queue waiting for someone to pick up almost right away!

After a real live person picks up your call, make sure the first question you ask is, “Is this a real live person?” Then take a deep breath and, while letting it out, say, “FINALLY!” This will let them know exactly what you think of those useless option menus.

Then tell them how long you were waiting. This helps them evaluate the efficiency of their phone system and tweak it to maximize customer satisfaction. You’re allowed to use a little poetic license here. After all, you want to let them know how long it felt like. Accuracy is not the question. So take your best guess, double it, then add ten minutes.

When you get to the point of asking your question, speak slowly and provide lots of detail. The more detail, the better. Go all the way back to the day you were born if you have to. Don’t let them rush you! And don’t let them derail you with a lot of questions! This is your dime, remember!

To put the cherry on top, tell them how much you hate their phone system. The more you hate it, the more time you should spend telling them how much you hate it. Never mind specifics, just feel the hate, and try to convey that feeling.

If you end up having to leave a message, don’t forget to leave your phone number! But you can just rattle that off, they can look that up later, and you can assume they know the area code, too. Same goes for your name, which is a matter of record, so don’t bother spelling or repeating it.