There are times I want to completely give up caring about political crap, like last week when the president said something along the lines of, “I’ll defend to the death your right to build a mosque, but I never said it was a good idea,” or any time Sarah Palin endorses a political candidate by giving out the Mama Grizzly seal of approval. Who can put up with crap like that? Not me.

But then there are days like today, when I get the chance to jump smack into the middle of a political argument so near and dear to my heart it makes me feel as though my lucky star has finally gone supernova. A political pollster called me on the phone. That never happens. Every day I read about thousands of people who get to have their insane political opinions splashed all over the front page of the most-read newspapers and web pages in the country, and I get so jealous I could explode. I get calls from people who want me to buy vinyl siding or carpet cleaning. It’s not fair.

But finally I got a call from a pollster, and it wasn’t just any pollster – this was a call from the NRA! The NRA wanted to ask me about my opinion on gun control! I could make so many comparisons at this point: It’s like the Pope calling Christopher Hitchens to ask for his opinion about the church. It’s like Newt Gingrich calling Howard Zinn to ask for his opinion about immigration. Man, did they call the wrong number!

Apparently what’s been going on is this: That wicked socialist witch Hillary Clinton and her nefarious minions at the State Department have been conspiring with the United Nations to take away all our guns. I’m pretty sure that’s the gist of the message they played for me. It has something to do with an international treaty that’s no doubt being manipulated by the far-reaching tentacles of the One-World Government, or something. Whatever it was about, the NRA wasn’t going to take it, and they were calling all solidly patriotic Americans to stand with them and stop the horrific federal government from tinkering with their sacred second-amendment rights.

After the recording had finished playing, a man who introduced himself as an NRA member came on the line to ask me if I’d heard the whole message. “Yes, I heard it,” I answered.

“So after playing that message for you I have just one question,” he said and paused for dramatic effect so intense it was a virtual drum roll: “Do you want third-world dictators of countries like North Korea and Iran to have a say in whether or not you can own a gun?”

There were probably so many better ways to reply to that question than the one-word answer that squeaked out of me, but this was my first telephone poll, remember. “Yep!” I told him.

“Okay, thank you,” he said, not very sincerely, and hung up.

What? You didn’t expect me to give the NRA a straight answer, did you? It’s not like they’re going to include it in their poll anyway.