I’d been sitting beside the phone for about an hour waiting for a phone call from the technician who’s supposed to come fix my dish washer. At some time this morning he promised to call and tell me when he’d be on the way.

When the phone finally rang, it turned out to be a telemarketer who wanted to pitch her special offer from Charter Communications. “No, thanks,” I said, as soon as she paused long enough to let me politely butt in.

“I understand you don’t have Charter service right now, but we do have several options…” she continued.

I didn’t wait for her to draw breath this time. “No thanks,” I interrupted, “I’m not interested.”

That took her aback. She sputtered a bit, grappling for a line from her script that she could use in a case like this. “How about telephone or internet service?”

“I’m really not interested, thanks,” I explained.

“Uh, okay…,” she allowed, stringing out the “okay” as long as she could, perhaps to keep me from just hanging up. I would just like to point out that I was still saying “please” and “no thank you.”

“Could I ask why you’re not interested in even listening to this offer?” she asked, dropping all pretense of offering me a service and segueing right into making demands.

Well, Charter Communications, not that I feel compelled to answer your questions, but when I want your services, I’ll call you and ask for them. That’s what phones are for, for me to make phone calls to you. You are not supposed to call me unless I’ve already called you and asked for service. Only people I would call friends are welcome to make my telephone go ting-a-ling-a-ling. You, Charter Communications, are not a friend, and despite the recent Supreme Court ruling I do not even consider you a person. There’s probably a bullshit first amendment argument to be made for your right to call me whenever you feel like it, but the fact is that I paid for the phone line so it’s not a public venue protected by free speech, it’s my phone line and I wish you’d stay off it, just like it’s my front stoop and you should keep your sales people off that, too.

But I didn’t say that. I was trying to be polite to the telemarketer who was not Charter Communications, she was just some working schmuck like me, probably trying to make enough money to pay her rent, buy groceries and maybe have a little left over for a beer or cigarettes or some other guilty pleasure. So instead I told her I was waiting for an important phone call. And to her credit, she was nice enough to accept that and hang up after giving me Charter’s 800-number in case I woke up in a cold sweat after realizing my terrible mistake at passing up Charter’s amazing offer.

But that’s not going to happen, Charter Communications, so you can just stop calling me.

IN THE COMMENTS: A representative from Charter Communications left me this message: “I can certainly appreciate not wanting to get sales calls at home. If you will e-mail your Name, Address, and Phone Number to Umatter2Charter@chartercom.com, I can have you placed on our “Do Not Call” list which will prevent future calls or mail solicitations. Have a great day!”

I’m still trying to decide whether to be well and truly creeped out that Charter is apparently employing a web bot to search blogs for all mention of their corporate activities, or to be truly amazed at the awesome power of technology to respond to my rant so quickly. Truth be told, I’m feeling a little of both.
I e-mailed my name, address and phone number to the address he gave me and asked them to put me on their “Do Not Call” list. I received this reply within a few hours: “We’ll be more than happy to add you to our do not call list. However, we were unable to find an account under the name and phone number you provided. Can you please send us the following so we can add you to the list?”

Maybe I misunderstood. Do they really mean to imply that I would need an account with Charter to be on their Do Not Call list? Whatever, I told them I don’t, and gave them my contact information again. It remains to be seen whether I get fewer calls from Charter, or they launch an all-out overkill assault on me via phone, snail mail and door-knocking salesman.