Month: December 2011
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stealing
Your cat doesn’t love you, and I can prove it. “Oh, yes he does,” you protest. “He’ll sit in my lap and purr for as long as I keep petting him.” Tell you what: Go out to your favorite local pet store and buy a heated cat bed for your cat, then get back to… Read.
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brush
Here’s a little FYI for you: If you keep your can of mineral spirits right next to your can of denatured alcohol, be careful not to confuse the one with the other, because mineral spirits makes a terrible martini. Just kidding. You shouldn’t mix mineral spirits with vermouth, you should only serve it neat on… Read.
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semantics
The other day in after-dinner conversation this question came up: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? It’s apparently a huge topic of debate on the internet, but why? Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. True, the movie begins with the start of an office Christmas party, but from there it turns into a blowing… Read.
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shrimp
I got shrimp for my birthday dinner. It’s practically a tradition by this time, all because of the Great Shrimp Dinner Blurt of ’94. I came home from work. My Darling B was in the kitchen, preparing a special dinner for my birthday. “Don’t come in!” she warned, or I would ruin the surprise. Oh,… Read.
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pecker
I don’t suppose you know how to trap and/or kill a goddamn woodpecker, do you? At least one of the little bastards has pecked two holes clear through the cedar siding of Our Humble O’Bode. I will do anything short of selling my redundant internal organs to stop it. There’s a hole on the north… Read.
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sleepy
In case you were wondering, we didn’t have to send the cats away to uncle Joe’s farm so we could get a good night’s sleep. It turned out to be stupidly easy to get them to stop climbing all over us all through the night. They only do that in the winter, so it followed… Read.
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catty
The cats will have to go. I need a full night’s sleep, but ever since night time temperatures plunged below freezing, I’ve had to wake up several times through the night to kick my way out from underneath a pile of cats. This does not make for a restful night. You might think that two… Read.
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gardetto’s
You know how sometimes you open a package of Gardetto’s and it’s nothing but pretzels, and that’s all right but what you really wanted were the crunchy brown melba toast slices? And then other times it’s just chock full of the crunchy brown melba toast slices and when it’s like that your whole day is… Read.
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replicants
I watched Blade Runner a week or two ago with my son, who thinks it’s as awesome as I thought it was when I was twenty-one years old. And I still get a great big techno-boner watching the flying cars weave between the blindingly-lit thousand-story buildings of Los Angeles in the far-flung year of 2019.… Read.
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aging
I think My Darling B and I may have crossed the line and become Old People. Not just older people, but certifiably Old People, as in crotchety old, cane-waving, get-off-my-lawn Old People. The evidence is mounting, and seemingly irrefutable. See if you don’t agree: We both wear glasses now. I’ve been wearing glasses for dozens… Read.
This Is Drivel 