Monday, January 3rd, 2011

I get relatively little spam (knock wood) compared to almost anybody else I know, either at home or at work, and the little junk mail I do get is what you’d normally expect: Invitations to help the crown prince of Namibia transfer millions of dollars out of their country, guarantees to make my manhood more satisfying to the lady in my life, that kind of thing. The e-mail I received today, however, is something totally other:

Dear Sirs:

I am kelly who is a salesman of shijiazhuang yongdi chemicals co., LTD. Thank you for spending 1 munites reading our mail. We avail ourselves of this opportunity to approach you for the establishment of trade relations with you. We are a leading company, handling the export of chemical products, including Ttinaium dioxide, lithophone, iron oxide, caustic soda, zinc acid and so on. Should any of the items be of interest to you, please let me know. We shall be glad to give you our lowest quotations upon receipt of your details requirements. Any questions, do not hesitate to contact us.

Best regards,

Okay, wow. This is truly a first. I’ve never before been approached by a major Chinese chemical company seeking to open trade relations with me in the hopes that I will buy their rust. Isn’t that what iron oxide is? Rust? I didn’t know there was a market for rust. Wow.

Rust | 6:45 pm CDT
Category: daily drivel | Tags: ,
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Thursday, December 23rd, 2010

As soon as I heard the buzz of hundreds of people talking as if they were reading from a script in the background, I regretted picking up the phone.

“Hi there, is this Dave?” the caller asked. He didn’t know me, but he had been doing this so long that he could sound as if he did. He even sounded as though he wasn’t bored to tears. Maybe it was still early in his shift.

“Yes, it is,” I answered. I still regretted picking up the phone, but once I was into it I figured, why not go all the way?

“Good evening, Dave, this is Mike calling on behalf of Children With Great Big Puppy Dog Eyes Dying From Brain Cancer. How are you doing this evening?”

“Just fine, Mike, how about you?”

“I’m doing great, Dave, thanks for asking. Dave, I know you’re probably busy and I don’t want to keep you on the phone too long. Dave, the last time we spoke you said that I might be able to call you back later in the year and ask if I could send you a little something in the mail on behalf of Children With Great Big Puppy Dog Eyes Dying From Brain Cancer. Do you still live at…” And here he rattled off my address.

“Yes, I still live at that address, Mike,” I told him, “but I should tell you that I’ve already made a donation to a local hostel. Thanks for calling, anyway.”

“I’m not calling on behalf of your local hostel, Dave, I’m calling on behalf of Children With Great Big Puppy Dog Eyes Dying From Brain Cancer, a national organization devoted to…”

“Yes, Children With Great Big Puppy Dog Eyes Dying From Brain Cancer, I know, but I’ve already made a rather large donation to a local charity that also helps cancer victims.”

“Well, Dave, you did say I could call you. Wouldn’t you consider at least a small donation of, say, at least fifteen dollars?”

“Mike, I’ve just told you I already made a large donation to a local charity. Thanks. Anyway. Merry Christmas.”

Insert awkward silence here, followed by an audible sigh. Was he done? I sure hoped he was done, but I wasn’t going to be the first one to hang up.

“Thanks,” he finally said. “Merry Christmas.”

There. That wasn’t so hard, was it, Mike?

I wasn’t going to post this, because it’s not exactly a warm and fuzzy Christmas message, until I checked my e-mail and found three messages from Children With Great Big Puppy Dog Eyes Dying From Brain Cancer, all begging for money and all exactly the same! Looks like Mike loaded me up in the mail queue and set it to FULL SPAM AHEAD! Thanks, Mike, and Merry Friggin’ Christmas to you, too.

The Spirit of Giving | 9:42 am CDT
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