A Guy Walks Into A Bar

Brian Doyle-Murray’s Stand Up Routine From The 1970s. To get the full effect, read the whole thing without stopping. From Gold Turkey: National Lampoon Radio Hour/Greatest Hits:
A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his first show of the evening
The comedian says “A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm
The show begins and the comedian comes out for his second show of the evening.
The show begins and the comedian says “A man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful girl on his arm”
Just then a man in the front row stands up and says “I think I’ve heard this before”
The comedian says “Well maybe you caught my first show of the evening”
The man says “No, I just walked in here”
The comedian says “Well it was a guy looked just like you walked in with a beautiful girl on his arm could have been your twin brother”
The man says “My twin brother’s dead”
The comedian says “What is this, a wake?”
The man says “I don’t have to stand for this”
And he stands up and he walks outside
And the comedian says “Are you out there? I can hear you breathing.”
The man says “I’m holding my breath”
The comedian says “Well I’m holding you wife”
Just then the man says “That’s not my wife”
And he walks back into the nightclub with another beautiful girl on his arm
“Who’s that lady I’m seeing you with” the comedian says
The man says “This is my wife. That other lady is my dead twin brother’s wife
You can take her if you want her”
And the comedian says “Not unless you say please”
Just then, a man walks into a nightclub with a tatoo of a beautiful girl on his arm eating elbow macaroni.
The comedian says “Is that girl from Italy?”
The man says “No just hungry”
Just then a man walks into the nightclub, he comes riding into the nightclub, on a pony, with a feather stuck into his hat
“What do you call that?” the comedian asks
“An entrance” the man says “But forget that”
Just give me a beer and give my pony a jockey”
The bartender says “I think that pony’s had enough already”
“Well make it a short jockey” the man says
“And while you’re at it give that lady’s lawyer some briefs”
The lady stands up and says “I can defend myself, your Honor”
And the lawyer says “But I’ll defend her honor, your Honor”
The judge says “Well on her or off her, make up your mind”
The comic says “Definitely on her, that’s the best offer I’ve had all day”
“Well take it or leave it” says the Judge
“Couldn’t we just drop it?” says the comedian
He says “You better drop leaflets before you bomb”
And the comedian says “I’m already bombing”
He says “Maybe it’s your material”
He says “You don’t think it fits?”
He says “Well it could be let out a little”
The comedian says “How much do you think it will cost me?”
He says “It’ll cost you an arm and a leg”
The comic says “Well listen, could you put it on the cuff?”
The tailor says “I’ll tell you what I’ll do. We’ll forget the leg and I’ll just charge you an arm”
And a beautiful arm it is
“OK” says the comedian and the tailor cuts off the comedian’s arm and gives him the suit
The tailor calls his girlfriend and asks her to go out on the town with him in order to celebrate
He calls on his girlfriend and gives her the beautiful arm as a gift
She wears it around her neck just like a stole and they go out on the town
The man walks into a nightclub with a beautiful arm on his girl
The show begins and the one-armed comedian comes out for his last show of the evening.
He does his act, and the audience stands up and gives him a hand

Dammit! I didn’t wish for a million ducks!

But I’m a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why’d you come in here?

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it can happen.

…and the mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” She says, “No, that’s just milk,” and she wipes her mouth.

A baby seal walks into a club.

A duck walks into a bar. Asks the bartender, “have you got peanuts?”
The bartender says “no, we don’t serve peanuts here.”
The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day. “Have you got peanuts?”
“No, I told you yesterday, I don’t serve peanuts!”
The duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes back.
“Have you got any peanuts?”
The bartender slams down a glass and shouts at the duck “Goddamn it, I told you already, no peanuts! And if you come back here again asking about peanuts I’m going to get a hammer and nails and nail your beak to the bar!!”
The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks into the bar.
“Have you got any nails?”
The barman squints at him; “No, I haven’t got any nails.”
“Have you got any peanuts?”

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

Byte walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”
“Parity error,” says the byte.
“Yeah,” says the bartender. “I thought you looked a bit off.”

A pirate captain walks into a bar. He has a ship’s wheel hanging from his erect male member.
The bartender says, “Excuse me, but I can’t help notice that you have a ship’s wheel hanging from your erect male member.”
And the pirate captain says, “Yarr! And it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

… And then the twelve-inch pianist starts playing a Bach fugue, and the bartender yells “hey! No minors!”

A meteorologist walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he’d like to drink, he says “nothing”. Bartender says, “come on, we’ve got beer, wine, spirits, what’ll you have?” Again, “nothing, thanks.” The bartender says “seriously, you have to order something, it’s a bar.” The metorologist snorts and says, “if this is a bar I’d hate to see what you call high pressure.”

Two whales are sitting in a bar, and one turns to the other one and says [whale noises for as long as you can possibly maintain it] and then the other whale turns to him and says ‘dude, you’re WASTED.’

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m lookin’ fer the man who shot my Paw!”

A cop sees a clown motoring down the highway, and he pulls him over. The clown has a bunch of dangerous-looking knives on the seat beside him. The cop goes: “Hey buddy, whaddaya doing with them knives?” And the clown goes “I juggle them”. “Oh yeah?’ says the cop. “This I’d like to see.” So the clown gets out of the car and starts juggling the knives. Meanwhile the guy from the bar drives by with his wife. He sees the clown juggling. He turns to his wife and says: “Honey, I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re making you take now!”

An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Thursday, July 24th, 2014 at 6:05 am CST
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