Sunday, April 5th, 2020

This is how the conclusion of Trump’s prepared remarks for yesterday’s press briefing were scripted:

I want to thank the American people most of all for the selfless sacrifices that they are making for our nation, and I want to encourage everyone to keep following our guidelines on slowing the spread. Sustaining this war effort is the patriotic duty of every citizen. While we may be more physically distant for a time, we’re closer together in the heart and in the spirit, and through this great national unity we will conquer the disease and restore our nation to its full and glorious might.

Setting aside for the moment how much that sounds like something Mussolini’s speech writer might have come up with, it would have been a pretty solid conclusion even if Trump had delivered it in his usual bored monotone.

Here’s how Trump’s ad-libs watered it down to a weird hash of run-on sentences, barely glued together with “but” or “and” or sometimes a vaguely muttered “um”:

I want to thank the American people most of all for the selfless sacrifices that they are making for our nation – I know it’s not pleasant, although some people have said they’ve gotten to know their family better and they love their family more than ever; that’s a beautiful thing; they’ve actually gotten to know them; they’re in the same house with their family for a long time; I guess it can also go the other way perhaps, but we don’t want to talk about that – and I want to encourage everyone to keep following our guidelines on slowing the spread sustaining this war effort is – and that’s what it is, it’s a war effort – it is the patriotic duty of every citizen while we may be more physically distant for a time we’re closer together in the heart and in the spirit and through this great national unity – it’s happening; we’re having a great unity developing that a lot of people didn’t think would be possible to develop like this – we will conquer the disease and restore our nation to its full and glorious might – and we’re doing really well, and I’m very proud of everybody out there; we’re very proud of you; it’s something that nobody could have ever projected; it’s been over 100 years that a thing like this has happened, and the problem with this one is that the contagion, it’s so contagious; nobody’s ever seen anything like that, where it’s so contagious; you can be feet away, and just talking to somebody, and catch it, you can catch it, you know how long it can live on surfaces; so things that nobody even thought of, the level of contagion; so we’re getting there; we’re going to make sure that it’s over soon; and just keep going; it’s not going to be long; and thank you very much.

Listening to it was even worse than having to read it. Most of the time he seemed bored, and frequently he seemed hardly lucid, like when rambled, “the problem with this one is that the contagion, it’s so contagious; nobody’s ever seen anything like that, where it’s so contagious; you can be feet away, and just talking to somebody, and catch it, you can catch it, you know how long it can live on surfaces; so things that nobody even thought of, the level of contagion.” That kind of babble from any seventy-three-year-old crank would make me slowly back away as I nodded agreement, “Sure, yeah, so contagious, it really is, well, it’s been nice talking but I’ve got to go …”

the end | 9:49 am CDT
Category: current events, random idiocy | Tags: ,
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