Saturday, December 2nd, 2017

I love memes as much as the next guy. No, wait: I love memes way more than the next guy, because the next guy likes memes that suck. I don’t know why that guy can’t pick a good meme, but he can’t. That’s just the way it always seems to go.

Here’s an example of a meme the other guy picked that sucks. I saw it on Facebook last night and it sucks in so many ways that I lost count.

“This should be posted in all schools and work places,” the meme begins, and that right there is a huge red flag from the get-go. When somebody tells me their rules ought to be posted on the wall in the place where I work, I know without having to think about it that I never want to work there. I also know that if I ever had to work there because, I don’t know, it was the last job on earth, I would spend every minute of my existence there throwing the shitty people under the bus until I became the boss just so I could take the fucking rules down off the wall and turn it into a place where people wanted to do the work because they liked it.

“Love him or hate him,” the meme goes on, “he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.” Except no, he didn’t. (Spoilers!) The list that follows really came from a book called 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School, by Charles J. Sykes, and from the sound of these rules, it’s a book I’ll never read because I already got enough of this kind of get-off-my-lawn “philosophy” from the grumpy old men I grew up with. I would be very surprised to learn that Bill Gates or anybody like him had these whiny, shitty rules posted in his work place.

But to continue with the meme:

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Oh fuck me. “Politically correct teachings?” Seriously? That’s an even bigger red flag than “this should be posted everywhere.”

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Well, this is one hell of a way to start your “rules” to post on the wall of every school and workplace. You might as well write, “I got screwed over, so you should, too! I didn’t have a lot of money, so neither should you. I never had enough to eat, so you shouldn’t expect to be well-fed. My old man beat me, so you should expect to get a few welts across your butts. I’VE BEEN MISERABLE ALL MY LIFE, SO YOU SHOULD BE, TOO.”

I’m so sick of this crap. Life is good. The only thing that makes it bad is people who want to take from you. Fuck those guys. Enjoy life. I’m not saying it’s always fair, but you can enjoy it without having to feel guilty about it.

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

More of the “feeling miserable is all you deserve” bullshit. Here’s what I think: *I* think you deserve to feel good about yourself, and *I* care about your self-esteem. *I* think you will accomplish great things BECAUSE you feel good about yourself. That’s my rule # 2.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

This is a bald-faced lie. Some people WILL make truckloads of money right out of high school. Some people WILL already have truckloads of money BEFORE they finish high school. It’s a well-documented fact. Here’s my rule # 3: Don’t listen to anybody who tells you what you won’t do. They’re still pissed because they weren’t making 60K their first year out of high school.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.

Please. Don’t make me laugh. Teachers aren’t tough and kids know it. Most teachers are pretty great, a few of them are just lame, and there are one or two jerks out there, same as any other profession. Kids figure this out after five minutes with each of them. They’ve also figured out that the really tough people are the kids they’re going to school with: the pricks who make fun of the way they look, or the assholes who pick on them during lunch or recess.

I’m not even sure what a “tough boss” is. There are plenty of really good bosses who will expect a lot out of you, but a really good boss will inspire you to do your best without having to crack a whip over your head.

Bosses are just people, by which I mean there’s nothing all that special about them except they knew the right people and they were just dumb enough to think they’d be good at being a boss. Some of them really are good at being a boss, but in my experience most of them are not all that good at it, and an alarmingly large number of them are bad at it. I mean scary-bad, like they do more harm than good. And that doesn’t make them “tough,” it just makes them bad.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Your grandparents can call it whatever they want in whatever fantasy they’re trying to sell you, but flipping burgers for minimum wage – and it will ALWAYS be for minimum wage – will never be anything but a smelly, sweaty job that nobody really likes and everybody wants to get out of the minute they can. Flip burgers if you have to, but when the opportunity comes along to prepare a good meal for somebody, take it.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

This one and the next one have an oddly specific don’t-blame-your-parents vibe to them. I have a feeling maybe Charles J. Sykes made a lot of parenting choices that resulted in more pushback from his kids than he thought he’d get. Just a hunch.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Kids: If your parents are boring now, chances are they were always boring. You didn’t make them boring any more than they’re the root cause of you making mistakes. Shove that in their faces next time they trot out Rule #6.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

There is so much wrong with Rule #8.

The idea that there have to be losers, for starters. I mean, you can make everything a competition if you think that’s what you need to feel good about yourself, but count me out of your sad power trip. I’m not here to be your loser. You can shove that idea all the way up your ass.

I don’t know how I feel about grades, but I’m all for giving a kid as many chances as he needs to get the right answer. What’s it matter so long as he gets it right? If you think a kid should get only one chance to get the right answer, and be labeled a loser if they don’t, you’re a special kind of warped son of a bitch who needs to fuck all the way off to the other side of the universe.

As far as school bearing any resemblance to real life: Well of course it doesn’t. School is SUPPOSED to be the place where you get all the chances you need to get the right answer BEFORE you have to go face “real” life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

What the hell does that even mean, “life is not divided into semesters?” I suppose Mister Charles J. Sykes doesn’t divide his life into weeks, either, and spend his weekends in front of the television drinking beer and watching the football game, or whatever he does for fun.

Here’s my rule # 9: People who don’t take time off from their jobs now and then are considered workaholics who end up guzzling Maalox straight out of the bottle to control their acid reflux.

As far as “finding yourself” is concerned, I don’t even want my employer messing with my personal life. If my boss tried to give me personal advice, I’d politely tell him to mind his own goddamn business and let me get back to work.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

I don’t know when these rules were written but I suspect it was before people started hovering over their laptops in coffee shops all day, making money. Kids, you may disregard rule # 10. It’s another bald-faced lie.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

You’re a shitheel if you have to be told to be nice to others just because you might end up working for them.

Here’s an idea: BE a nerd! Correct me if I’m wrong, but nerds are people who love a thing so much they make it their whole life. There’s this guy I follow on Facebook who goes to conventions dressed as Batman, or as a robot, or as some armored dude with a hammer as big as Nebraska. He makes the costumes himself out of foam he shapes and glues and paints, and his costumes are so awesome that people beg him to make costumes for them. It’s his job to make and wear superhero costumes! How great is that?

Be this guy. Don’t be the person who has to be told not to make fun of nerds.

This meme ends, “If you agree, pass it on. If you can read this, thank a teacher!” I don’t agree, obviously, but I’m happy to pass it on with my amendments attached.

But I do want to say thank you to Mrs. Roenz, the teacher who got me to read.

fuck your meme | 9:10 am CST
Category: damn kids!, random idiocy, this modern world, yet another rant
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