Saturday, December 31st, 2016

For the longest time I would read Trump’s tweets, shake my head and think to myself, “Well, he can’t write one any weirder than that.” I still shake my head, but after reading a couple hundred of them, I’m a firm believer that he’ll always be able to write something more outrageous than the one before.

Yesterday, for instance, he heaped praise on Vladimir Putin, one of the many world leaders who has expressed a desire to dominate the world by crushing America. You know, as they do. Trump tweeted: “Great move on delay (by V.Putin) – I always knew he was smart!”

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Aside from the golly-gosh tone that makes this tweet sound like Trump has a man-crush on Putin, the “great move” he congratulated Putin for was Putin’s decision not to expel American diplomats from Russia after Obama expelled Russian diplomats from America, Obama’s response to Russian cyber warfare attacks focused on swinging the most recent nationwide elections. So Trump, or someone on Trump’s staff, wrote a tweet taking sides with the President of the Russian Federation over the President of the United States.

First of all, I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that political discourse in America is being conducted by tweet now, partly because I feel silly even writing about “tweeting,” and partly because two of the most powerful nations on earth are using Twitter to signal their cooperation with each other.

No, really. Within the very same minute that Trump tweeted “great move” to Putin, the Russian embassy re-tweeted Trump’s tweet. That could not possibly be coincidental in any universe. The ambassador didn’t just happen to be scrolling through his Twitter feed on his iPhone at precisely that minute, see Trump’s tweet, think to himself, “Hey, I’ll bet Putin would like to see that nice tweet; I think I’ll retweet that without prior authorization,” and hit send.

Second, this is a nightmare, right? I mean, I used to have nightmares about Russia taking over the United States, but it usually started with missiles or bombers, not with a president-elect dumping on the sitting president by buddying up to a Russian leader. Instead of going out with a bang, we’re apparently going out with a handshake and a “good on ya!” instead.

As it’s now an established law of nature that Trump’s tweets can always get weirder than the ones before, I held my breath and waited to see what he would come up with to top that. In less than twenty-four hours, I had my answer: “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!”

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I can only guess this is an attempt by Trump or somebody on his staff to make him appear to be magnanimous by showering love on everyone, even on his enemies and opponents, but then it goes on to smear his enemies and opponents as pathetic losers who are so discombobulated by their loss that they’re scrambling around without a clue, which kind of flushes that whole noble, forgiving spirit down the toilet.

The weirdest thing about Trump’s tweets is that I can’t imagine him with a phone in his hands, tapping on the keypad like a common prole. Until I hear otherwise, I’ll always imagine one of his minions closely listening to whatever’s coming out of his cakehole, then figuring out how to convert all that word salad it into 144-character sentences that make sense. And I usually imagine Trump sitting on the toilet, shouting through the closed bathroom door at the minion. I don’t know why. I guess I’m just weird that way.

the weirdest tweets | 9:27 am CST
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