Saturday, July 20th, 2013

WASHINGTON D.C. (UPI) – Both houses of Congress worked through an all-night emergency session that began yesterday afternoon to pass sweeping legislation to bar Christians from holding public office, serving in the armed forces, carrying firearms or operating any kind of motor vehicle or aircraft.

The legislation began as a bill introduced only yesterday afternoon in the House by Speaker Eugene Sheisenbach (R-Mich) after considering an e-mail he received only that morning.

“It was a message from a close personal friend,” Sheisenbach said. “I usually don’t open e-mail with a subject of ‘FWD:RE:FWD:SUBJ:FWD: IMPORTANT!!!!!’ but he’s not the kind of guy to send junk mail so I checked it out.”

The e-mail was a link to a video depicting three people discussing the Christian phenomenon known as “the rapture” as they rode in a car. In the video, two of the car’s occupants, both Christians, abruptly disappear, leaving the third in the back seat, evidently a non-Christian, gaping in astonishment.

“When I considered the metaphor of a driverless car as a leaderless America, the implications were staggering,” Sheisenbach said. “Imagine the chaos our country would be plunged into if our president and a majority of congress were to vanish without warning!”

“And that’s only the beginning,” Sheisenbach went on. “How many of our soldiers and sailors might suddenly be called to heaven? What about our police officers? Fire fighters? This is a threat to the safety and security of our country, and we’ve been ignoring it for generations! Global terrorism pales to insignificance in comparison!”

After making his born-again chauffeur pull over and driving his own limousine into town, Sheisenbach began immediately conferring with his colleagues and found that, among those who did not profess to be Christian, few had given the matter more than passing consideration.

“The Christians in the House,” Sheisenbach said, “informed the rest of us that when they are called away, the world would be plunged into such chaos that crashing planes and burning buildings would be the least of our worries.”

“Well, of course it’ll be chaos!” Sheisenbach surmised. “With the police force gutted, the military incapacitated, planes falling out of the sky and cities burning out of control – who wouldn’t call that chaos?”

“It quickly became apparent to all of us that only an entirely secular government would provide for a safe, secure America after the rapture,” Sheisenbach concluded.

“I had to admit he had a good point,” admitted Rep. Rusty P. “Stephen” Wackenhut, the Speaker of the House and a born-again Christian. “Not only that but, thinking it through, it was more than a little irresponsible of me to hold a position of such importance in the House when I couldn’t say I’d be in for work tomorrow. Heck, I could’ve vanished before legislation was enacted without so much as a ‘Gotta go!'”

The sweeping legislation, unanimously approved by all members of the House and again shortly afterward by the Senate, not only barred Christians from any office or job from which their disappearance would endanger others, it went further to forbid anyone but atheists from assuming those positions. “What if we open it up to Muslims or Rastafarians or Scientologists, and then it turns out they’re going to go ‘poof!’ too?” asked Sheisenbach, only a bit rhetorically. “And there were those guys who got swept up by a comet a couple years ago.”

“We weren’t even going to take a chance on agnostics, or anybody else who might go all wishy-washy,” Sheisenbach said. “Who would want anybody but an earth-bound atheist doing their colonoscopy? Just imagine being face-down on the examination table with that sticking out of you and nobody around to remove it. Gives me the willies.”

Yeah, it’s a repost, but it’s one of my favorites. Sue me.

poof | 7:19 am CDT
Category: daily drivel, random idiocy
Comments Off on poof

Comments are closed.