Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

God damn, I hate going to bed but not going to sleep.

The weirdest thing about sleeplessness is that it’s so goddamn boring, and yet somehow not quite boring enough to make me nod off. I’ve been in staff meetings so boring that I can’t keep myself awake no matter how long I hold my breath (a remarkably effective method for staying awake, even if you’re being PowerPointed to death; you should try it). But apparently lying motionless in bed while trying to breathe deeply and evenly isn’t quite as boring as an hour-long lecture on cost-benefit analysis.

The first hint that I’m going to be spending more time awake than asleep is when I realize I’m breathing backwards. When I’m ready to fall asleep, I take long, deep breaths with a pause after exhaling, but when I’m lying awake trying to get to sleep I take quicker, shallow breaths with a short pause after I inhale, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t switch it around. It just happens.

What the hell’s up with that, anyway? Shouldn’t there be a manual override for the switch that changes how I breathe, so I can flip it when I need to get to sleep on a school night? I’ve got a long laundry list of poor engineering features built into my body, like why can’t I stop myself from dozing off during boring meetings? Okay, it’s boring, but why do I have to nod off? Why can’t I give myself a jolt of adrenaline to stay awake? No, for some reason that couldn’t be a good thing, so I’m stuck with trying to remind myself how embarrassing it is to wake up with the boss glaring at me because I interrupted his PowerPoint presentation by snoring.

As if the backwards breathing wasn’t bad enough, I also fall asleep backwards when I’m having a sleepless night. Every so often, just as I begin to doze off, the little man in my head realizes that I’m dozing off and shouts, Hey! I’m dozing off! Finally! And then I wake up because I realized I was dozing off. I’ve tried to strangle that little man every way I can think of, but no matter how tightly I clench my fingers around his windpipe, he just. Won’t. Die!

The final straw fell on the camel’s back when my stomach started growling just as the clock struck four this morning. I finally gave up, climbed out of bed and feasted on a big bowl of granola while simultaneously brewing a big pot o’ coffee. I’m gonna need lots of that today.

Wakey Wakey | 5:02 am CST
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