Sunday, February 27th, 2011

I was down on my knees this morning with my trusty toothbrush and a can of Ajax cleanser, uprooting all the fuzzy little plants and slaying the romping animals that grow in the grouting between the tiles in our bathroom, and I found myself asking this question: Why do they even make hard toothbrushes? See, I’m trying to keep my mind sharp as my aging body slowly deteriorates, so I exercise my synapses with deep, philosophical questions like these.

On every visit I’ve ever made to see a dentist, I’ve been asked – usually twice: once by the hygienist and again by the dentist – how often I brush my teeth, followed by the warning that I should only use a soft toothbrush. And I’ve read again and again that dentists agree – and I can only assume here that they mean more than two dentists, right? They mean the dental community in toto agrees, right? – that we should all brush our teeth with soft toothbrushes.

Yet whenever I go to the store to buy a toothbrush I find myself having to choose between hard, medium, and soft toothbrushes. This makes my synapes fire thusly:

1) Dentists are telling some of us to use soft toothbrushes, some of us to use medium toothbrushes, and some of us to use hard toothbrushes. Why?

1a) Dentists believe I am too dainty to stand up to long-term use of a medium toothbrush, that a hard toothbrush constitutes a mortal danger to my delicate dental organages. Could be, but I don’t think so. Dentists have always complimented me for having a great set of teeth. If they were great-looking but breakable as a cheap watch, I think they would have said, “Man! Those things are going to fall right out of your head the minute you use anything but a soft toothbrush on them!” Or words to that effect.

1b) Dentists believe that everyone should use only soft toothbrushes but are telling some of us to use stiffer brushes because, you know, job security. “George, you all right? Your mouth is bleeding!” “Yeah, I can’t figure it out. I’ve been brushing as hard as I can with a stiff brush, just like the dentist told me to, but it just gets worse and worse.” Doesn’t seem likely. Sorry, forget I said that.

2) Dentists are telling most of us to use soft toothbrushes and leaving the rest of us to figure it out for ourselves. Not sure why they’d do that, either.

3) Dentists are telling every one of us to use soft toothbrushes. If this is true, it brings me back to my original thought: Why do they even make toothbrushes with stiff bristles, dammit?

And if I can’t figure this out, how am I supposed to figure out the hard stuff, like whether to wash dark clothes in cold or warm water? I really hate complication. I want to go back to being eight years old, when people just told me what to do and I did it.

Softly | 12:16 pm CST
Category: daily drivel | Tags:
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One Comment

  1. 1 tristan forward said at 3:33 pm on March 1st, 2011:

    if you really want to go back to being eight years old … obey your governor !!!

    best wishes and thanx for all the fun