Sunday, January 2nd, 2011

For the past two days I’ve indulged the hell out of myself: I parked my butt on the sofa Friday morning and have done practically nothing since then but drink coffee, read web comics, blog and read books. Just a total slug. And it was good.

But things fall apart, as they say, and it’s time to start battling the evil forces of entropy, starting with a quick clean-up of the house. My Darling B led the charge by breaking out the cleaning rags and assaulting the kitchen head-on, with an assist from me because I had to clean the dishes out of the sink before she could really get into it and she won’t touch the dishes because that’s my department. She puts food on the dishes, I clean them up, that’s the deal, and the delicious delights she comes up with make it worth scrubbing every cooked-on slick of scum off the cooking pans. I just want to make sure I add that.

Then I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and started hoovering up all the clumps of gray crud that have accreted along the edges of the stairs. And there’s your word of the day: “accrete.” It’s erosion in reverse, a build-up of stuff. I had to point it out because “accrete” doesn’t get used enough, so load it up in your vocabulary and lob it out there the next time you get a chance. Thank you. Love and Kisses, from The Pedantic Lexicographers.

I think the crud on the stairs starts out as mere dust, but when it combines with the kitty litter that gets tracked up the stairs by our live-in mousetraps it takes on a shape and texture that reminds me of lichens and probably occupies the same level of the chain of life, inanimate but not unliving, waiting for its chance to evolve into something mobile with fangs and glowing goat-eyes that’ll be able to erupt from the darkness of the basement and devour me as I saunter down there one night to get a beer. Or at least that’s as far as I let it get before I grab a vacuum cleaner and vigorously suck it out of the corners.

Then I vacuumed up the dust under the sofa, and then the shredded carpet around the scratching post, and the dirt in the hallway, and finally the hairballs in the bathroom before I bowed to the inevitable, pulled on my extra-large rubber gloves and started scrubbing down the rest of the bathroom. Talk about a breeding ground for killer life forms. Every time I get down on my knees so my eyes are close enough to the floor to see what’s going on down there, I wonder how we’ve managed to live through the week. Sometimes it’s a blessing being nearsighted.

Some three hours and several gallons of industrial-strength cleanser after I started, I was scrubbing my own skin with a loofa while standing under a shower of scalding water in the hopes of feeling clean again some day. It could happen.

The End of the Lazy-Butt New Year’s Holiday | 1:25 pm CDT
Category: daily drivel | Tags: ,
2 Comments | Add a comment


  1. 1 The Seanster said at 10:40 pm on January 2nd, 2011:

    Three hours on the bathroom? Industrial strength cleaner? Really?

    Just spray and wipe with a vinegar-water solution as needed, and do a more thorough scrub and wipe every 1-2 weeks. An hour, tops. No biggie.

    Just trying to be helpful…

  2. 2 Dave said at 10:47 pm on January 2nd, 2011:

    The author reserves the right to some poetic license.