Monday, November 29th, 2010

There’s a television show called I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. You probably knew that already. I’m coming late to this conversation because (stop me if you’ve heard this) I don’t have cable, a dish or a digital converter box. Television used to be free when I was a lad, so I’m not going to pay for it now. Also I won’t watch programs on the interwebs until they can figure out how to get me a picture that doesn’t freeze up or pixillate and is bigger than a pack of cigarettes. Until television is free again, or the internet works all their bugs out, I am and will continue to be a television celibate.

Most of the time. If I go to a bar where there’s a television on – and what bar doesn’t have at least three, right? – I stare at it compulsively while I gum the one forkful of food I managed to get into my mouth before all my brain cells shifted to WATCHING TELEVISION! It’s the way I’m wired. And another reason I don’t want to have television in my house any more. I’m pretty sure I’d never get anything else done. Dishes would pile up in the sink. My clothes would rot in the hamper. The cats would starve. I’d forget to go to work. Okay, so there’s one good thing, anyway.

I’d even watch I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, no question about it. Shows like this make me worry less about how out of touch I am with humanity. There’s no way I could possibly be as out of touch as a woman who had another human being gestating inside her for nine months without realizing it. I’m really very grateful for them.

If you visit the web site, hit the link to the top ten reasons for not knowing you’re pregnant. Please note that these are only the top ten, the implication being that women have given more than ten reasons, possibly many more, that were not as ludicrous as the ten that made the list. Don’t feel you have to restrict yourself to them when asked. Go ahead and improvise. Here are just a few to start you off:

I thought it was a cyst or a tumor. You had what you thought was a tumor that grew and grew for months, made you physically ill and was big enough to see, but somehow it wasn’t serious enough to ask your doctor about? Were you thinking he would shrug it off? “Oh, that. People get eight-pound basketball-sized tumors all the time. Call me when you’ve got real problems.”

I used a home pregnancy test and it was negative. “Well, sure, I missed nine periods in a row, suffered heartburn that would light every house in the city of Cincinnati, and my belly stuck out far enough to set my dinner plate on it, but I got a double-blue dot when I tried one of those home pregnancy tests, so how could I be pregnant?”

I have an irregular cycle. Nine missed periods in a row is not “irregular,” it’s a freaking sign.

I was using birth control. You carried a baby for nine months. Come up with a better excuse than this.

I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant | 9:10 pm CST
Category: current events, entertainment, play, television
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