This Is Drivel

It’s easier to find an image of a dandelion on the internet … no, wait: It’s easier to find more than 2,010,000 images of a dandelion on the internet than it is to answer this question: Do I have to declare my military pension when filing for my unemployment benefits? I know, because I’ve spent the day doing both. Or, in the case of the second half of the formula, trying to do both.

The Wisconsin Department of Workforce Development is the source for all information about unemployment benefits, as well as the office that processes claims. I filed my initial application last week Thursday using the department’s web site. It seemed pretty simple and easy to use, but there was just one thing about it that struck me as odd: I receive a retirement pension from the military but, according to the information on DWD’s web site and in their on-line application, I don’t have to report it.

When I applied on-line and got to the question, “Are you receiving a pension?” there was a footnote that said I should report my pension only if I was receiving it from an employer I worked for in the past two years. I retired from the military more than five years ago, so I clicked “No.” A little pamphlet I got in the mail from DWD likewise says I should report receiving a pension only if I’m getting it from someone I worked for during the last four quarters, which again would leave my military service out of it.

I even pull the state statute off the interwebs, and it says the same thing: I have to report a pension if I’m receiving it from an employer I worked for during the base period (the time period they used to calculate my weekly benefit amount). Either it’s really badly worded or I don’t have to report a cent of the pension I’m getting from the military.

I sort of hate to jinx it, but I really wanted to know I was doing it right, so I tried calling them. Yesterday I didn’t call until after nine o’clock, figuring that’s when they opened for business, but when I dialed I got a busy signal. I hit redial two or three minutes later with the same result. Dialed again about five minutes later; still busy. Every five or ten minutes after that, busy busy busy. I throttled back to dialing every fifteen minutes or so until about ten-thirty when I finally heard a ring tone and got the automated phone tree. Score! After navigating my way through the menu to the point where I could talk to a representative about filing a claim, there was a pause before the recorded voice pleasantly told me, “We’re sorry, but all of our representatives are busy now and we have reached the limit of the number of people we can put on hold. Please try again later.” And the call was disconnected. Can’t talk now! Thanks for calling! Bye!

Wow, that’s cold.

B searched the DWD web site this morning to see if she could find an answer specific to military pensions. She couldn’t, but she did find out the DWD opens its telephone lines at seven in the morning, so I tried calling again just after the clock on the wall struck seven bells. I got through on the first try, navigated through the phone tree and was told once again by the friendly recorded voice they couldn’t take my call now, and then it hung up. I got through three or four more times this morning but every single call ended with the recorded voice hanging up on me.

You know what? I’m done. I did my due diligence. The state statute says I don’t have to report it, I’m not going to report it.

Oh, the dandelion:

I spent a couple hours in the yard flirting with heat prostration while pulling dandelions from a small patch of dirt beside the driveway. We both love dandelions and let them grow as crazy as they want to all over the lawn. There’s a pretty good chance our love of dandelions irks the older homeowners in our neighborhood who spend a lot of money on Chemlawn treatments to get rid of dandelions and other weeds in their yard, but our take on that is: We’ll pull up every one of our dandelions the day they stop spraying their lawns with Roundup or whatever herbicides they’re using. I’m not too worried they’re going to take us up on that.

Dandelions are welcome to grow all over our lawn, but in the little patch of dirt between the house and the driveway I’m trying to get creeping charlie to take root, and the big, broad leaves of the dandelions crowd out everything else. I’ve been avoiding the dirty job of pulling them up because the weather’s been so hot lately that the roadside is spotted with charred piles of slag where people parked their cars out in the sun, but today there was a cool breeze and I could stand to be out in the sun for almost a half-hour at a time if I stepped inside to drink a couple pints of water and sweat like a pig.

In about two hours I’d pulled up enough dandelions to fill a bushel basket. Also thistles, chickweed, something that begins with a ‘p’ but I forget right now, and those weeds that look like inch-tall Christmas trees with a little yellow ball of a flower at the top.