Tuesday, June 8th, 2010

The alarm clock woke me up this morning right in the middle of a dream about being a very old Bruce Willis in the continuing story of The Fifth Element. I don’t know where that came from. I haven’t thought about that movie in years.

(Coincidentally, in a Facebook comment someone reminded Number One Son that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I don’t know who said it first, but whenever I hear it I remember Gary Oldman saying that as Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg in The Fifth Element. Because that’s how I’m wired. And because Zorg is my hero. “If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself!”)

I wish I could remember some of the dream so I could weird you out with it, but all I remember is being Bruce Willis, being in the movie, and being very old. Wrinkly. Gray-haired, what little hair I had. Permeated by a musty smell. Not a bad musty smell. When I’m old, I want to smell like old books. I don’t care if they’re old paperbacks, I just want the smell to remind me of my favorite used book stores. If I end up smelling like wet dogs I want you to come find me and set me on fire. With a blowtorch. Or a flamethrower, if you happen to have one in your garage, and don’t we all wish we did?

We met a guy with a flamethrower last weekend, as a matter of fact. He was having a housewarming and we brought a keg of beer as a big thank-you for getting us tickets to the Great Taste of the Midwest our first and second year. He told us he bought a flamethrower at Farm & Fleet to kill the weeds in his driveway.

I’m serious. It’s not the kind of flamethrower you see island-hopping Marines using in old newsreels that shoots a stream of napalm in a blazing arc; it’s a more sedate flamethrower that hooks up to a bottle of LP gas and burns up weeds with a blue-hot flame that doesn’t shoot very far but is still very cool none the less. I’d get one myself if I could find one for less than ten dollars. I’ve got plenty of weeds that deserve a good scorching.

zorg | 7:49 pm CST
Category: daily drivel | Tags: ,
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